Conrad's First Christmas

Perception V. Reality

There's a phrase that is thrown out that I've heard a lot of lately that I don't agree with: "Perception is Reality". That whatever you put out there is how people will read you. Sure, if you're meeting someone for the first time and you don't make a great impression (maybe you had a bad morning, have a headache, have a lot on your plate), people will judge you based on that initial meeting. Sure, we all put out there what we want people to see: the beautiful home, the great marriage, the perfect baby, the great style. Sure, we can act composed, put together, and "above it all" when we want to.

But if people actually believe our lives are like that all the time or judge us based on initial meetings, then I think that's their fault, not ours. So we've all heard the phrase "perception is reality" but how about "don't judge a book by it's cover"? Who knows what has led someone to act the way they do or respond to situations in a certain way? Here's another one: "put yourself in another person's shoes."

One of the most frustrating things about being a new mom is that people don't talk about the "real" stuff. The screaming for four hours straight at 2am stuff, the breast feeding is hard as shit stuff. The acid reflux, the ear infections, the mom guilt, the difficulty losing that last 5 (ok 15) pounds. The babies cost a fortune stuff! I sat back and thought, ok, women don't want to talk about that stuff for a reason. Why? Are we afraid it will make us seem weak, like not good moms?  Am I the only mother out there whose Christmas card experience was like this:

Perception Reality

If I meet a mom and her kid is screaming, her hair's a mess, she's forgotten her diaper bag, she's wearing last night's sweats with boob milk all over (wait, is this me?), am I going to judge her? No way. Same with the mom who has her hair perfectly coiffed, smashing outfit, and a week's worth of baby arsenal in her Gucci diaper bag (although I will ask, what's your secret, who's your nanny, and how did you invent the 36 hour day?). Not going to do it. Or at least, I'll try. Unless either one of them is a complete brat...then maybe I'll chalk it up to a bad day...or headache. Because who knows?! That could be me (no, not the one with the perfect hair, the one with the 2 day old outfit on). And I've realized its ok to not be perfect all the time. If people perceive me as not having my shit together, it may be true. But like most new moms out there, I'm trying my best to juggle a career, a house, a marriage, family, friends - and oh yeah, a baby. While somewhere in there throwing in a minute or two to myself.

This motherhood stuff is HARD and that I'm SURE I'm not the only one who thinks so!

What NOT to say to a new mom...

Just like I wrote about in this post for pregnant ladies, there are several things you should not say to a new mom. In fact, I would highly recommend that if you have to stick to either that list of "no-no's" or this one, this one is the one to remember. I mean, come on: a majorly sleep-deprived woman who has not had time to eat, shower, or pee. On top of that,she's covered in spit up, still trying to lose that last 10 lbs, and is holding a screaming baby. Do you really want to test her?

Sorted in no particular order by category, the people that really irk a new mom:

1. Patronizer (is that a word? I'm making it a word). Again, same as with the pregnant lady: "Just you wait" or "You'll see". I'm sorry, but can you sound more patronizing? I totally get that your child's teething, first ear infection, etc. are horrible and their screaming is maddening, but I think I somewhat understand how it feels to have a screaming baby. I dealt with that for 15+ hours in a day for the first 6 weeks of Conrad's life. Please don't make it sound like I haven't got a clue.

2. Question One-Upper/passive competitor: Conrad really hasn't hit any major milestones yet so I myself haven't been privy to these. However, I've often heard moms ask other moms questions in what seems to be a way to then one up them. To me, this is worse than someone who is outright competitive (although those people are obnoxious as well).

Example:
           Mom A:  "Is Jack walking yet?" When Jack is clearly only crawling at this time.
           Mom B:  "No, but he's getting close"
           Mom A:  "Oh really? Well Aiden walked at 9 months!"

Seriously? That's nice, but can you be more obvious? It's so surprising how often I've heard this. It's not a competition folks!!! Just wait until little Jack can say his ABC's before your Aiden, then you'll be sorry you asked.

3. The Judger: About anything: "You're not breastfeeding??" I did for the first 8 weeks but due to Conrad's GERD I began pumping instead. "You didn't want to have him sleep in your bedroom, weren't you worried?" I chose NOT to have Conrad sleep with us at all. It was too much to jump out of bed at every movement and chirp. Natural childbirth vs. childbirth with medication (ie. epidural) Don't get me started on this - yes, I got an epidural after the first four hours and there's no way in hell I would have gone a full 18 hours in that kind of pain. I had nothing to prove to anyone.

4. The un-asked-for advice giver: plain and simple: if I didn't ask for it, I don't want it. My kid is not yours, all my experiences will be different from yours. I will ask if I need anything.

Basically, just smile, ask how old the baby is, and tell me he's cute. And if I call you crying and complaining that my child has not stopped screaming for three days straight, don't say "Just you wait until..." or "Really? I don't remember my kid doing that" Just say "you're doing a great job and you are a wonderful mother". That's all you need to do for now...until we get pregnant again. Then refer back to this list.

Happy 3 Months, Conrad!

I can't believe it but today is Conrad's 3 month birthday! This time has flown by and I'm so sad to go back to work next week. Just when he's getting a personality, smiling, laughing, and responding, I have to leave him. I'm definitely NOT looking forward to it.

Dear Conrad,

You continue to amaze Mommy and Daddy every day! The amount that you've grown not only physically but developmentally is simply breathtaking. Every day brings something new. We love your laugh, smile, and baby talk! You are quite the little man and can hold yourself up so well. You still love your vibrating seat and play mat. The swing is good for napping as well and we recently introduced you to your big boy Bumbo seat!

Unfortunately you were diagnosed with GERD...finally! Your Mom and Dad kept insisting to the pediatricians that this was the reason for your feeding issues, your constant crankiness, continual heavy spit-up, arched-back screaming, and tongue depression. These symptoms were NOT caused by improper breast feeding, colic, or a faulty frenulum (which, BTW, they insisted we have snipped!). It wasn't until we saw the nurse practitioner that she really took a look at him and LISTENED to us that she prescribed some acid reflux medication. This has definitely helped with your pain and discomfort. You now eat up to 6 oz in a feeding and weigh over 13 pounds! You are in the 50-75th percentile for your size. Mommy and Daddy's growing boy!

I'm so sad to leave you next week to go back to work as you are changing every day before our eyes. I love you to the moon and back and am so thankful you are mine. I am so excited to see what the next three months will bring! We love you!!

Mommy and Daddy